A Reflection... v.I

back from a very long hiatus. i am now counting the days left to ORD... ahhhh finally, i can dump my army greens and exchange them for civilian clothing!! my two years in the SAF has been quite a bizarre and, at times, traumatic experience. i've had my fair share of tears and laughter, anger and envy. there were times when i was suicidal (especially during my first few months in the Army) yet there were also times when i felt that i was happy and enjoying myself.

I've been suffering from depression since i was 10, being a victim of physical abuse. My first hyperventilation episode was in Secondary school. I was facing pressure and suddenly, my body just went into spasms. i was breathing very hard and my muscles were all cramming up. i was in so much pain i thought i was gonna die! breathing was a chore and as my body became more spasmodic, the Civil Defence paramedics appeared. So... i did not get to meet my Redeemer that day.

For those of you who suffer from depression, let me just say that i really understand how you guys feel, being unable to breakaway from a seemingly unendding cycle of overwhelming sadness and self-loath. it's not that i didn't want to be happy. it was just that everytime i tried to be positive, something bad happens and i sink back into negativities. Whereever i go, i felt that i wasn't wanted, like i was an obnoxious guest who had overstayed his welcome...

the same thing happened when i went into the Army... i frequently hyperventilated and i had numerous medical appointments with my psychologist. i could feel that i was wearing people's patience thin yet i couldn't stop myself. When i commited a mistake and was lamblasted by my unit's Resident Bitch, i become frustrated and even suicidal... it was a really horrible time for me.