Shackles of melancholy

I've been down with flu this past week. It finally cleared up this morning. Went out with a friend and was confronted with an ugly scene. My whole body went rigid with apprehension when he told me someone he knew told him i was posting something controversial and, shall we say, perversed in nature on an internet website. I maintained it was not me and he appeared to have accepted that. Yet moments later, at home, he sms-ed me and told me to go to the website in question. i knew then that he did not believed me. I deign it unneccessary to reply. Then later, because we were supposed to meet in the evening and it was fast approaching 7, i called him and receieved a shock. He asked me again about the website posting and after i denied having anything to do with it, he cracked. He felt that i was lying to him.. about almost everything.

Alarm bells went ringing in my head as he proceeded to tell me off. This is not happening! i told myself. We are supposed to be close friends! I felt an inevitability to the whole episode. It was like the friendship is drawing inexorably to an end. I kept very quiet as he talked, trying to contain my emotions. Most would not appreciate why i feel this emotional. Perheps it is because i value friendships greatly and, as i've so few friends, i'm not in any position to lightly dismiss friendships.

To sum it up, i cried and made a fool of myself. I guess i still have a lot of growing up to do. I behaved childishly, wailing and sobbing like someone's dead. In a way, it was. Death of a friendship. Thankfully, we cleared up our misunderstanding. Yet it left me chilled. How is it that being such close friends, the friendship still came so close to an end over a misunderstanding? Am i such an unworthy friend that i can be lightly dismissed as redundant? Ingenue. Guess that's me.

Dear all, below is a letter i came across on a website - www.yasg.com. I felt it was very inspiring and piognant so i'm posting it.

"To all loved ones:

I am writing this letter because the disease I am fighting could perhaps take me sooner than expected. This is a gift, as I can leave my feelings and insights with all of you to carry on throughout out the rest of your lives on this planet. Hopefully this letter will not have to be distributed for another 70 years or so, but I feel blessed with the opportunity to share what I have learned up to this point in my life.

Firstly, I want you to know how blessed I feel to have had contact on earth with each and every one of you. There is a reason we have all met at one point or another. Perhaps it was something as simple as passing on a smile or a laugh on a bad day or help with a major life decision. It was meant to be and I hope I will always stay in your heart.

Through my fight with this disease I have learned a great deal. Most importantly I want to share the insight that we are spirits living in physical shells. Regardless of what effects your physical body keep in mind your spirit thrives within you. Be mindful of this, you'll be surprised how far it will take you.

Experiences and memory are worth more than any material posession. As I look through my material posessions I find difficulty in equating material goods with the lives I have come into contact with. Life is about the experiences, emotions, memories and the love we share. This is not goodbye. Allow my spirit and our memories to remain within. I am thankful for the time we have known one another.

God Bless,

Love Scott"

A Reflection... v.II

My journey through the ravaged landscape of melancholic depression took a turn for the better early this year. I was involved in an accident. While crossing the sliproad into the Pan-Island Expressway, a SUV sped towards me upon seeing me. It didn't matter that i was already on the road with my bicycle, nor did it matter that it was a zebra crossing and i had the right of way!

The horror of seeing impending danger coming hurling towards you and being powerless to prevent it really hits you in your guts. My whole body went numb with fright and i felt a chill run down my spine. Thankfully, the driver pulled his brakes in time. However, the taxi behind did not.. Tires screamed as the taxi-driver belatedly tried to defy inertia. A loud crash followed and the SUV propelled forward, grazing my legs. I have no idea what possessed me to calmly pick up my bicycle and ride off, as if the accident had not happened. all the time i was pedalling, my legs, and indeed my whole body, trembled like a wobbling jelly.

The accident caused a perceptible change in my thinking. Of course occassionally i still felt depressed. Some things cannot be erased by a mere accident. However i started to react positively to criticisms and even in a crisis, i could keep a cool head and not go into spasms or hyperventilate. It was really refreshing!! As time went on, i became more confident and i started to engage myself in outdoor activities that challenged me physically and mentally such as rapelling and climbing rope courses.

I guess what i want to say is this - no matter how alone you may feel, no matter how difficult the odds, don't give in to despair and melancholy. you will be amazed at the resillence of the human spirit and at the power of thinking positively. please do not alienate yourself from others and shut yourself off to the world. Do not forget that when you build these "walls" to protect yourself, ultimately, you seal yourself in and become trapped with all that pent-up emotions!!

A Reflection... v.I

back from a very long hiatus. i am now counting the days left to ORD... ahhhh finally, i can dump my army greens and exchange them for civilian clothing!! my two years in the SAF has been quite a bizarre and, at times, traumatic experience. i've had my fair share of tears and laughter, anger and envy. there were times when i was suicidal (especially during my first few months in the Army) yet there were also times when i felt that i was happy and enjoying myself.

I've been suffering from depression since i was 10, being a victim of physical abuse. My first hyperventilation episode was in Secondary school. I was facing pressure and suddenly, my body just went into spasms. i was breathing very hard and my muscles were all cramming up. i was in so much pain i thought i was gonna die! breathing was a chore and as my body became more spasmodic, the Civil Defence paramedics appeared. So... i did not get to meet my Redeemer that day.

For those of you who suffer from depression, let me just say that i really understand how you guys feel, being unable to breakaway from a seemingly unendding cycle of overwhelming sadness and self-loath. it's not that i didn't want to be happy. it was just that everytime i tried to be positive, something bad happens and i sink back into negativities. Whereever i go, i felt that i wasn't wanted, like i was an obnoxious guest who had overstayed his welcome...

the same thing happened when i went into the Army... i frequently hyperventilated and i had numerous medical appointments with my psychologist. i could feel that i was wearing people's patience thin yet i couldn't stop myself. When i commited a mistake and was lamblasted by my unit's Resident Bitch, i become frustrated and even suicidal... it was a really horrible time for me.