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Today marks the date that Cookie Yang finally gave up the struggle and passed on... It's been great having you around, Cookie, though at times i really feel tempted to spray water on you for being so naughty! I guess i should have known Cookie was falling ill when he started fighting with Dough every time Dough comes near him. By the time i discovered, it was too late... It has been a very tiring week... Sorry for the extremely short post but i really don't feel like saying much... Dearest Cookie, you will e missed by Dough and I...

Yawnz. Had a pretty hectic day. Went for bible studies in the morning. Was told that God is selfish as He wants us to glorify Him, not ourselves. WTH?? lol anyway walked around Tampines abit and then came home tired and sleepy and was about to climb onto bed for a much-needed nap when my mobile rang. It was Shawn - my army camp buddy. Shucks. Forgot we were supposed to meet. Bye bye nice warm cozy bed. See you later... =p

Met Shawn at Nat Lib @ Bedok. He wanted to discuss the rental of stall at Nat Lib @ Bugis for selling stuff. We decided on cookies coz thatz my forte!! LOL. Then he started buggering me about match.com - wow... that guy is desperate!! We discussed about the pros and cons before finally deciding that it is best to wait and do more research first. I mean, how many ppl actually find true love on a matchmaking website?!

Came back home and realised no one was in. had fun on my computer until 12am. =p Boring day really.. I need a job..

rainy days are here again...

It's the rainy season again. Personally i feel that raining is okay if you are indoors and able to get some sleep but it's NOT okay when you are out cycling, with no shelter in sight. Which was what happened today!! Ahhhh!! was supposed to cycle to Sentosa with my friend but since it started raining, plan was canceled. We went to Great World City instead to window shop. Great World City appears to be really quiet which is great since i hate crowds. And no. I am not claustrophobic. Or whatever -phobic illness that is. I simply enjoy having my own space. And also because i think i offend people whenever i am around them so its probably best for everyone i stay alone. =p

Oh yah. Nisa smsed to ask me about the recipe i sent her. It takes alot of trial and error before i hit on the right formula and i think it can still be improved. The basic measurements are there but i usually add more of a particular ingredient if i'm in the mood for it, like more chocolate or more milk depending on how moist i want the cake. So i'm afraid poor Nisa is gonna get very confused. I hope her cake turns out right though. And the whipped cream is a killer! Too much beating and the fats separate from the liquid resulting in a disgusting grainy mess. Too little and the cream slides off your cake. ARGH!! And you need to be very careful when adding powdered flavouring into the cream. The powder stiffens the cream so you may end up overbeating the cream and still get clumps of congealed powder! Ewww!!

Okay time for an announcement!! TADA!! I succeeded in making Tan Tan! Steam Egg Pudding! Hong Kong style!! Made two! I ate 1 straight off the stove and left the other in the refrigerator. Yummy!! It's pale yellow and not too whobbly. I'll probably make more next time, with HL milk since i like the vanilla taste. Okay gonna go sleep le. Gotta wake up early tomorrow. And i still want to be a doctor! So fight!!

mahjong!! pong!! chi!! hu le!!

Lazy mid-week weds - went for interview in the morning but did not really like the place so i guess i'm going to look for another. Meanwhile, after chatting with a friend of mine, i rediscovered what it was i wanted all along... To be a doctor!! And join Doctor Without Borders!! that was and still is my ambition. That's why i have decided to retake my A levels. Anyone good in Biology and Chemistry?? I hope to be able to get into med school. Even if it (touch wood) kills me.

Anyway, in the afternoon i joined Lirong, Vina and Elaine for several rounds of mahjong. But i kept losing!! Thankfully no money was involved. Elaine and Lirong won so many times i got dizzy just trying to count how many. BUT!! after Vina left, i started winning. Okay it was only a modest win of 3 rounds out of maybe 20?? It's a game after all. BUT!! winning is fun!! mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Gotta go. My eyes are getting very painful. Must be the eye infection... ZZZzzzzz

blogger problem identified

Hey guys. To all who might have been experiencing problems with creating new posts because of a very jumbled-looking page when you click on the create post link, here's a simple solution as formulated by some helpful ppl. The original link i got the solution from is located here - http://hongjun.blogspot.com/2007/05/singnet-is-causing-problems-to-blogger.html

the solution is rather simple - simply insert a 2 after "www" in the address bar and the proper page should load. Thank you!

bye bye melancholy, hello sunshine!

got up early today. Okay so maybe 10am isn't early to some but to me that's early. Gave a call to Baby Ken to piss him into waking up and made myself breakfast. Fried omelette with melted cheese and juicy luncheon meat. Yummy!! Was in bliss until i opened my wallet and discovered i don't have any money!! Shucks! SMS-ed everyone going for the Sentosa outing later to secure much needed funds. Oops!

Anyway Sentosa was fun! We took the Sentosa Express monorail into the island at a cost of $3!! Is that cheap or what?? Took lots of pictures, made silly faces, cracked tons of lame jokes. It was really nice chilling out with friends!! Kevin arrived at Sentosa with girlfriend and dog in tow and all of us proceeded to Palawan Beach for some picture-taking on the very creaky suspension bridge spanning the lagoon linking a tiny inlet to the beach.

subsequently, the group split into two, with doggy-fearing Sandhya and Elaine going off to explore the wonders of tropical Sentosa while us guys chill out at the beach. Except Baby's idea of chilling out at the beach involves lathering copious amount of tanning lotion and baking in the hot sun. Natter. I decided to bail and went looking for the gals. Ended up taking more silly pictures and cracking jokes. Fun! Finally came back home tired but glad i enjoyed myself. Too bad we were in a hurry and was thus unable to catch Sentosa at night when the lights come on. ahhh...

happy again

woke up with a horrible backache. i am guessing it is a gift from acting macho running down 8 flight of steps with a luggage that is 2/3 of me in height. Went to church, prayed, sang some praises and promptly fell asleep. Okay, so i didn't but i was struggling to keep my eyes open. Not that the sermon was uninspired - on the contrary it was awesome! This lovely British lady from Hong Kong came over with her team of Cantonese-speaking peeps and was talking about ministering with the poor. Of course that in itself isn't very interesting since no one likes to be reminded of his/her social responsibilities but she peppered it with a brand of humor that is just so... British.

Okay so after that, i came home to rest my poor back. I think it was already healing but i'm plain lazy so i slept. For 6 hours! Decided i need to do something about the really weird structure of my blog. All that white space!! Blame it on Web Productions (a module i did in school) but i just can't stand staring at so much emptiness. And it's white! So i browsed a couple of blogs that are being nominated for blog awards. Or have the awards been handed out? Never mind. I came across miss Karen Cheng's blog and i am so impressed with her blog that i started reading the archives!! And i found her entries very funny to say the least! it's like, you can almost imagine her expression as the events unfold! Like when she was at a baby massage class and she ran out of things to say to her baby Callum, then realizes the lady next to her was gossiping! About the other women in the class! To her baby! I can a visualize her expression of aghast! by the way her blog's at http://www.karencheng.com.au/ It's very interesting!!

Oh yes, it's Mother's Day. I am broke and am unable to get a gift for my mummy. And anyway we had a disagreement this morning. At 5:30am! All because she saw my sis at the car park alone and berated me for not helping her load the luggage at the car park. Big Sigh.

Day full of depressing messages

Today, or rather, Friday 11/04/07, was arguably the most depressing day this year... first off, i learn that cheng hoon, the wife of one of our pastors for whom my cell group has been praying, past away after a long struggle with cancer. It was very sad news as only the night before, i received news that her condition was stable. It thus came as a complete surprise that she had succumbed. I fervently pray that cancer patients everywhere will receive comfort and support from family and friends as they fight with the disease. This episode also made me realize how fragile life is. One can be alive and well yet deteriorate rapidly and died within the space of hours. It is frightening how a life can be snuffed out as easily as a flickering flame extinguished in a sudden gust of wind.

The second thing that made me sad arose from a "fight" i had with my mum - she suddenly decided that i must not go to university but instead work so as not to be a liability. I felt like i was kicked in the stomach. I guess what stunned me was that, when i discussed with my aunt about further studies, i stated that i would like to get a degree so as to improve my resume and secure a better job and earn better wage. the only thing was that it turned out the degree takes 3 years instead of one, which was what i told my aunt.

Guess better do a brief retelling of what had transpired.

My auntie had kindly agreed to sponsor my tertiary education, calling it a "scholarship" although, after some miscommunication and a nasty traumatic phone call with open threats from her daughter, i decided that this is spiraling out of hand and asked if perhaps she should withdraw her support since she obviously wasn't thrilled with the idea anymore and even offered to pay her back the sum i intended to loan from her - a hefty $40,000 for the higher diploma and university fees as well as allowance.

Two weeks later, she emailed me to say that her daughter did a spreadsheet for me and using front-end, add-on interest rate of 3%, the final sum returned will be a even heftier $76,000, paid over a ten year period. She then decided that i should get the higher diploma first - "get your main course before you think of desserts" becomes her favorite phrase. More trouble arose when she decides that i misunderstood her after all and she did not want me to get allowance but to work and support myself. Okay... i thought when we discussed i clearly heard her say concentrate on studies and don't think about work or anything. So we compromised. I'll just borrow $7k plus for the higher diploma and then get my dessert after graduating.

Another miscommunication occurs when she called up the school and found out that for some students, the installment plan is available in two payments - once in June and once in September. She once more proceeded to scold me for not doing my homework well as this effectively lowers the effective interest rate. Of course, part of it stems from the fact that i told her when quizzed that the rate is a little high (i was intimidated by her anger and she predictably exploded possibly because she felt i did not understand the value of money, which made me even more terrified). The truth was that i was afraid i'll irritate her and was trying to give her a neutral answer so as to placate her since in my email to her the day before i specifically wrote "very high interest rate" but she was not satisfied. It later turned out she obtained the wrong info as the months quoted to her was for foreign students. I could have said what she accused me of doing - not verifying details, but i did not as it is not in me to demean people.

By this stage i was very stressed but worse were to come. All these weeks of emails and my aunt still have not made clear her intent whether or not she intends to go by the installment plan or the lump sum plan despite my repeat request for her to enlighten me as to her choice in every email i sent her. I may not have given her the effective interest rates but i gave her the payment amount for both installment and lump sum as well as the payment schedule for each plan. Thus i was very confused since her emails became increasingly more antagonistic. Also, I was rapidly developing fear of her and my cousin so much so that i took to avoiding any family functions that put me in their path. Yet i received stiff displeasure from my mum as my aunt told her she was sponsoring me by using money she set aside for my mother's "pension" in an act of sisterly love. My mum obviously thought i was ungrateful. Really quite shocked. My sis helped temper my mum's anger but the damaged was already done. The relationship between me and my mother disintegrated and my fear of my aunt and cousin simultaneously ballooned. That was when i recalled what my friend warned me about - that i should not blindly accept what people offer as there are terms attached and I'll regret should i accept.

Finally, i got the cheque from my aunt and proceeded to pay the school fees (she decided on a lump sum). Again some bad happened. By this time i was really numbed so when i found out that the payee was written incorrectly (they recently underwent a name change and the administrator did not realize he gave me the wrong info). I called my aunt and immediately past the phone to the administrator after briefly telling her what's wrong. I guess the administrator sensed my very apparent distress given i was about to cry so he offered to personally go down to my auntie's place to get the cheque replaced. Hours later, m y aunt called and asked in a very sarcastic manner my "secret" for getting the administrator to drop his work and dance to my tune running my errant to correct my mistake. When i told her it was his mistake and he felt the need to correct it she said "is that so?" in a manner that spoke volumes and abruptly hung up. Once again i felt the urge to just.. just kill myself for being such a useless wimp that everyone hates and who screws up everything.

okay so that is basically what happened in concise detail although a lot more distressing emails and conversations ensued. After all that drama i'd have thought i'll be able to get myself enrolled in a degree program in a local university. Of course i failed to take into account the finance of my family. My mum evidently felt i was liability for long enough and proceeded to instruct me that she wants me to work rather than go into university and she even said she had discussed with my aunt and that was what my aunt originally intended. HUH?? What happened to dessert after main course?? Of course to argue will only set off another chain of events to eclipse the previous traumatic happenings. I just told her i am really confused by their continuous changing of stance and retreated to my room, my emotions all raging loose within me. Once again i felt like i should not have been alive.

It's not just these things that keep happening to me. It's that i feel that my mum prefers my sister as she is more capable and where she'll smile and cuddle my sis and tell my aunties and granny how tough it is not to be able to enjoy holidaying at the places she fly to, she'll run to my aunt and complain about me. When i'm sick, my mum usually says it's nothing serious at all yet when my sis coughs or sneezes my mum immediately becomes very concerned. Also, my mum keeps attempting to justify whatever she gives my sis - like buying laptop for her (and when i got mine, she kept saying how mine is better than my sis like it's a sin that i should DARE to want better things than my sis), sending her to Australia to study (when she wouldn't even support my local university education if i get in), tasting the cakes my sis baked and refusing to eat anything i baked even though its basically the same recipe... I'm rather sad that she shows so much concern over my sister's enjoyment at WORK yet exhibit no pleasure when i told her I scored 4 distinctions, 1 high distinction and 3 credits, even after explaining to her in terms of A+, A and B's what these scoring meant. In the end even my grandma did not know of my achievement but only that of my sister's flight destination and the horrors of her job. I am speechless and very much disappointed but deep down i still love her and i pray fervently for her health in church every week, adding to that prayer, hopes of reconciliation. I am not blaming anyone for whatever happened though it appears that i am. I hate myself more than anyone can imagine, if only they knew. I have always felt that its me at fault and people cannot help but react to me in a manner to display their disgust...

Okay enough. The last thing is of course that NTU finally replied via email to my application. My application has been thoroughly reviewed but unfortunately they have to reject me due to the record number of applicants blah blah blah.

O. M. G.

I never expected this hope of mine to be dashed after all that fight. To be so crushed after fighting for being able to study in a local university... it's too much... I was so moody when my classmates all registered for Monash and i did not dare to in case something bad happened. Of course i couldn't after what my mum said about no taking bank loans in case i defaulted and she had to mortgage her flat to save my sorry ass. I am devastated. Still am.

Thus when my friends started talking about monash and class timetables (they registered), i just felt so low that i wanted to shut myself off from everyone. I did not dare utter to anyone but my spirit is crushed and wounded so badly by all these events. I told my church friend i feel like i do not deserve anything, even God's love and grace. It is not that i don't long for it. I just don't see any hope anymore. Time and again, things i embark on failed. At every key point, i make choices that turn out horribly wrong and people around me are tried past their ability to endure. I don't know why everything i do turns out cursed and ill-fated. No relationships endured; no friends remain for long without straining their patience and hospitality; no workplace could stand having me for long... the list is long indeed... I know it is wrong to do so but time and again i find myself wanting all these emotional hurts and pain to go away, to let me live or even die... I really have no strength to fight. I am a small man, made tiny by my humongous fear and neurosis, my low self-esteem, weak willpower and inability to connect with anyone...

I guess this posting turned out longer than anyone ever intended to read... wish i could find something cheerful and funky to write about but my depression engulfs me and i feel unable to do anything but pour out my pent up frustration and bitter disappointments... God bless...