Debate aka public spectacle

Today's the day of the debate... Been a long and stressful weekend. It began with a very horrible Weds in which our lecturer decided to hold a debate. Then, as class ends, she had a eureka and announced she wants to make it a public affair.

The next day, she got us to rehearse the debate in front of her. Thank God I'm only an extra - i thought... Fat chance. A decided he don't want to do it so the lecturer got me to come in, on the pretext of listening in to the debate. WTF! excuse my emotions but even now i am still so arrrrgggghhhh about it!! I CANNOT do public debates!! Even in class presentations, those shrewd and observant enough will notice that when i present it always sounds forced or too fast. That's cause i am not good with public speaking. i simply become a nervous wreak! And more importantly, i become very emotional and disturbed to the point of being unruly and even violent... That is a side of me i really hate but i can't help it. I'm bad at confrontations and no matter what people say, argument is an argument. I'll lose it...

Okay i guess I'd better come clean... I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a form of neurosis whereby i see things in only black and white and am rigid and inflexible. I also tend to have unstable relationships, engage in suicide acts and generally act like a loser. sigh... i was on medication to control my emotions but i felt i didn't want to be addicted to the drugs so i stopped. Besides the drugs make me very groggy and how on earth can anyone function that way? So i stopped seeing the doctor. My family didn't like me to see the doctor anyway because they think I'm fooling around... yet I have never felt more in need of the drugs than on Thursday...

It was disaster. My control of the emotions just slipped. Badly. I kept gesturing wildly and blustering in frustration. I must have scared the daylights out of my classmates but i was so irrational than that nothing registers except that i have been made scapegoat and worse - in public debate, the one thing i swore I'll never do after that disgraceful incident... It's so distressing i don't even want to mention it here. Suffice to say i cracked. Elaine and Lirong were than roped in to help. From the way my lecturer kept going on about the debate it is clear that she wants our team to win, even swapping members to ensure everyone in the team is good. Too bad she did not realise that i turn into an ultra stresspot in debates...

To cut the story short, i continued to help with the debate team's preparations, even typing out the first draft of the 1st speaker's speech and printing out case studies. I'm really sorry i cannot do anything more but i really feel just totally zonked by the whole affair. i do not appreciate being forced into something when no one else is around to be the victim. I mean cummon! Why is it always me who's elected to front presentations and stuff? How irresponsible is that?!

I am just glad its over but some ugly stuff have escaped from my Pandora's Box and i guess they'll never go back in now... God... even now i feel so ashamed and angry with myself. For losing control; for being such a wimp, for being a weakling who cannot escape from his demons... Wait. See? i think only of escape. I don't even want to fight. I'm pathetic... Oh God...