Day full of depressing messages

Today, or rather, Friday 11/04/07, was arguably the most depressing day this year... first off, i learn that cheng hoon, the wife of one of our pastors for whom my cell group has been praying, past away after a long struggle with cancer. It was very sad news as only the night before, i received news that her condition was stable. It thus came as a complete surprise that she had succumbed. I fervently pray that cancer patients everywhere will receive comfort and support from family and friends as they fight with the disease. This episode also made me realize how fragile life is. One can be alive and well yet deteriorate rapidly and died within the space of hours. It is frightening how a life can be snuffed out as easily as a flickering flame extinguished in a sudden gust of wind.

The second thing that made me sad arose from a "fight" i had with my mum - she suddenly decided that i must not go to university but instead work so as not to be a liability. I felt like i was kicked in the stomach. I guess what stunned me was that, when i discussed with my aunt about further studies, i stated that i would like to get a degree so as to improve my resume and secure a better job and earn better wage. the only thing was that it turned out the degree takes 3 years instead of one, which was what i told my aunt.

Guess better do a brief retelling of what had transpired.

My auntie had kindly agreed to sponsor my tertiary education, calling it a "scholarship" although, after some miscommunication and a nasty traumatic phone call with open threats from her daughter, i decided that this is spiraling out of hand and asked if perhaps she should withdraw her support since she obviously wasn't thrilled with the idea anymore and even offered to pay her back the sum i intended to loan from her - a hefty $40,000 for the higher diploma and university fees as well as allowance.

Two weeks later, she emailed me to say that her daughter did a spreadsheet for me and using front-end, add-on interest rate of 3%, the final sum returned will be a even heftier $76,000, paid over a ten year period. She then decided that i should get the higher diploma first - "get your main course before you think of desserts" becomes her favorite phrase. More trouble arose when she decides that i misunderstood her after all and she did not want me to get allowance but to work and support myself. Okay... i thought when we discussed i clearly heard her say concentrate on studies and don't think about work or anything. So we compromised. I'll just borrow $7k plus for the higher diploma and then get my dessert after graduating.

Another miscommunication occurs when she called up the school and found out that for some students, the installment plan is available in two payments - once in June and once in September. She once more proceeded to scold me for not doing my homework well as this effectively lowers the effective interest rate. Of course, part of it stems from the fact that i told her when quizzed that the rate is a little high (i was intimidated by her anger and she predictably exploded possibly because she felt i did not understand the value of money, which made me even more terrified). The truth was that i was afraid i'll irritate her and was trying to give her a neutral answer so as to placate her since in my email to her the day before i specifically wrote "very high interest rate" but she was not satisfied. It later turned out she obtained the wrong info as the months quoted to her was for foreign students. I could have said what she accused me of doing - not verifying details, but i did not as it is not in me to demean people.

By this stage i was very stressed but worse were to come. All these weeks of emails and my aunt still have not made clear her intent whether or not she intends to go by the installment plan or the lump sum plan despite my repeat request for her to enlighten me as to her choice in every email i sent her. I may not have given her the effective interest rates but i gave her the payment amount for both installment and lump sum as well as the payment schedule for each plan. Thus i was very confused since her emails became increasingly more antagonistic. Also, I was rapidly developing fear of her and my cousin so much so that i took to avoiding any family functions that put me in their path. Yet i received stiff displeasure from my mum as my aunt told her she was sponsoring me by using money she set aside for my mother's "pension" in an act of sisterly love. My mum obviously thought i was ungrateful. Really quite shocked. My sis helped temper my mum's anger but the damaged was already done. The relationship between me and my mother disintegrated and my fear of my aunt and cousin simultaneously ballooned. That was when i recalled what my friend warned me about - that i should not blindly accept what people offer as there are terms attached and I'll regret should i accept.

Finally, i got the cheque from my aunt and proceeded to pay the school fees (she decided on a lump sum). Again some bad happened. By this time i was really numbed so when i found out that the payee was written incorrectly (they recently underwent a name change and the administrator did not realize he gave me the wrong info). I called my aunt and immediately past the phone to the administrator after briefly telling her what's wrong. I guess the administrator sensed my very apparent distress given i was about to cry so he offered to personally go down to my auntie's place to get the cheque replaced. Hours later, m y aunt called and asked in a very sarcastic manner my "secret" for getting the administrator to drop his work and dance to my tune running my errant to correct my mistake. When i told her it was his mistake and he felt the need to correct it she said "is that so?" in a manner that spoke volumes and abruptly hung up. Once again i felt the urge to just.. just kill myself for being such a useless wimp that everyone hates and who screws up everything.

okay so that is basically what happened in concise detail although a lot more distressing emails and conversations ensued. After all that drama i'd have thought i'll be able to get myself enrolled in a degree program in a local university. Of course i failed to take into account the finance of my family. My mum evidently felt i was liability for long enough and proceeded to instruct me that she wants me to work rather than go into university and she even said she had discussed with my aunt and that was what my aunt originally intended. HUH?? What happened to dessert after main course?? Of course to argue will only set off another chain of events to eclipse the previous traumatic happenings. I just told her i am really confused by their continuous changing of stance and retreated to my room, my emotions all raging loose within me. Once again i felt like i should not have been alive.

It's not just these things that keep happening to me. It's that i feel that my mum prefers my sister as she is more capable and where she'll smile and cuddle my sis and tell my aunties and granny how tough it is not to be able to enjoy holidaying at the places she fly to, she'll run to my aunt and complain about me. When i'm sick, my mum usually says it's nothing serious at all yet when my sis coughs or sneezes my mum immediately becomes very concerned. Also, my mum keeps attempting to justify whatever she gives my sis - like buying laptop for her (and when i got mine, she kept saying how mine is better than my sis like it's a sin that i should DARE to want better things than my sis), sending her to Australia to study (when she wouldn't even support my local university education if i get in), tasting the cakes my sis baked and refusing to eat anything i baked even though its basically the same recipe... I'm rather sad that she shows so much concern over my sister's enjoyment at WORK yet exhibit no pleasure when i told her I scored 4 distinctions, 1 high distinction and 3 credits, even after explaining to her in terms of A+, A and B's what these scoring meant. In the end even my grandma did not know of my achievement but only that of my sister's flight destination and the horrors of her job. I am speechless and very much disappointed but deep down i still love her and i pray fervently for her health in church every week, adding to that prayer, hopes of reconciliation. I am not blaming anyone for whatever happened though it appears that i am. I hate myself more than anyone can imagine, if only they knew. I have always felt that its me at fault and people cannot help but react to me in a manner to display their disgust...

Okay enough. The last thing is of course that NTU finally replied via email to my application. My application has been thoroughly reviewed but unfortunately they have to reject me due to the record number of applicants blah blah blah.

O. M. G.

I never expected this hope of mine to be dashed after all that fight. To be so crushed after fighting for being able to study in a local university... it's too much... I was so moody when my classmates all registered for Monash and i did not dare to in case something bad happened. Of course i couldn't after what my mum said about no taking bank loans in case i defaulted and she had to mortgage her flat to save my sorry ass. I am devastated. Still am.

Thus when my friends started talking about monash and class timetables (they registered), i just felt so low that i wanted to shut myself off from everyone. I did not dare utter to anyone but my spirit is crushed and wounded so badly by all these events. I told my church friend i feel like i do not deserve anything, even God's love and grace. It is not that i don't long for it. I just don't see any hope anymore. Time and again, things i embark on failed. At every key point, i make choices that turn out horribly wrong and people around me are tried past their ability to endure. I don't know why everything i do turns out cursed and ill-fated. No relationships endured; no friends remain for long without straining their patience and hospitality; no workplace could stand having me for long... the list is long indeed... I know it is wrong to do so but time and again i find myself wanting all these emotional hurts and pain to go away, to let me live or even die... I really have no strength to fight. I am a small man, made tiny by my humongous fear and neurosis, my low self-esteem, weak willpower and inability to connect with anyone...

I guess this posting turned out longer than anyone ever intended to read... wish i could find something cheerful and funky to write about but my depression engulfs me and i feel unable to do anything but pour out my pent up frustration and bitter disappointments... God bless...